


Only If You Won't Tell

by DarkBlueEclipse



Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: Anorexia, Dysfunctional Family, Eating Disorders, F/M, FACE Family, Family Drama, Gay, Gay Male Character, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, LGBTQ Character, M/M, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Denial, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Substance Abuse, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Suicide Notes, Underage Substance Use
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-07-20
Updated: 2017-08-07
Packaged: 2018-12-04 18:18:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,008
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11560734
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DarkBlueEclipse/pseuds/DarkBlueEclipse
Summary: Matthew Bonnefoy Kirkland Williams is a sophomore in high school, with a couple secrets. But his plans for not telling anyone are ruined. His suspicious cousin moves in and the new kid, a possible love interest, seems very concerned about him. Although, it does seem that his cousin has a lot of secrets herself, and the new kid gets nervous when certain topics are mentioned. Maybe he can make a deal... but secrets never stay kept.





	1. Chapter 1

So I forgot to mention this but Victoria is Seychelles and I have no clue where else to put this

     The low humming of the car was the only thing keeping me awake. It was 2 in the morning and I had not slept the night before. My father had been driving us to the airport to pick up my cousin, who would be living with us. Only a week earlier, my aunt and uncle were killed in a car crash. Their only child, Victoria, was left to be with us. The day we found out it was tragic. Papa couldn't stop crying and Father couldn't seem to calm him down. Even my brother Alfred didn't crack his usual jokes. After that, Papa wasn't his usual self. He had dark circles under his blue eyes and his long blonde hair was a mess. He also stopped cooking. It hurt Father so much to see him like this. He tried to cook meals in place of Father, but we all knew very well that Father couldn't cook.

     We hoped that today Papa would cheer up. He loved his sister's daughter almost as much as he loved his sister. It seems that the thought of meeting Victoria again had made him cheer up. Today he wore a smile on his face and was annoying me, Alfred, and Father. "I can't believe you haven't met her," Papa said with enthusiasm weaved into his thick French accent. He was looking into the back seat at me and Alfred. "I think you guys will love her, don't you Arthur?" He looked to Father, who was concentrated on driving. "I'm sure they will," Father was clearly uninterested, but Papa didn't seem to care.

     After what seemed like an hour car ride, we arrived at the airport. You could clearly tell that Papa was trying (and failing) to contain  his excitement. And I swear when we saw Victoria it was like a dog seeing it's master after a week. "Francis!" We heard Victoria say. She waved us over and we came rushing to her. "Victoria, my sweetheart! How have you been?" Papa asked after a long and seemingly awkward hug. "It's getting better," she said with a slight sad look on her face. "Good my love, very good" Victoria had looked nothing like I imagined. I thought she'd be so much like Papa. Her personality was said to be the same, but her looks were anything but. She had long brownish red hair that was tied in low pigtails with ribbons, and was dressed in a plaid red dress. The girl also spoke like Papa, in the same French accent. As Victoria spoke to Papa with joy, Alfred leaned over to me. "Is she really related to  us?" He whispered to me. Except his whisper was more of a persons normal voice, so Papa, Father, and Victoria heard it. While our cousin just laughed, Papa looked sad and Father smacked his head "Of course she is you git! Now let's get out of here before this one continues to say stupid shit." Victoria giggled as we walked out "Arthur's still the same I see." Papa looked at Father lovingly "The man I loved and married," he said like a buffoon.

     Whilst they were putting Victoria's luggage in the trunk of our car, I heard their conversation;

"So I see Matthew doesn't talk much"

"Yeah, he's not one to say much"

"Not anything like Alfred. You'd think identical twins would be more, well, identical"

"They're quite different, aren't they"

"Yeah..."

 

     I was cringing internally. People have mentioned this before, but the way Victoria said it made it seem like she knew something. I hope she didn't think anything. It would be the end of me. I haven't told anyone about how I feel. My depression, my anxiety, my hallucinations, my self harm. The thought of someone I just met knowing my secrets made me fall into a panic attack. I let my thoughts take control of me. My head fell into the seat in front of me. Alfred was too engulfed into his phone to notice thankfully. But it's just my luck that Victoria got into the car, as did Papa. "You alright Matthew?"  Papa and Father looked back "Uh... yeah, I-I'm fine." "Mattie?" Papa's eyes stared into my soul "Yeah..." I looked down. I don't think I convinced him. "Alright..." Damnit.

.

.

.

     A new sound was keeping me awake. After coming home we decided that we should at least attempt to get a decent amount of sleep. The majority of us woke up again at 7, and the crisp sound of Papa's cooking filled the air. After taking an army to get Alfred to wake up, the three of us joined our fathers for breakfast. Despite Father loving scones more than anything in this household, he was eating the meal the Papa prepared. It was important for us to all eat at the table in the eyes of Papa. Something his family did back in France. We were all about halfway done when I noticed something... "Are you going to eat anything?" Papa said looking at Victoria. "Um.. no. I'm just not hungry.." I looked at her too, and she looked back. She knew what I was thinking, and it was like she was convincing me it wasn't true. I believed her and kept eating my own food.

     The rest of the day was quite boring actually. Just moving Victoria into the spare room. Night fell quite quick. Whenever night would come is when I start to freak out. I can't focus on anything, and the only way to calm myself down is by using my scissors. Across my arms, stomach, legs. You name it. The pain brought me back to reality. The blood calmed me. I had no one else in my life to help, only a sharp object seemed to make me feel better. But what happened after was worse. I would come to the realization that I cut myself and get mad at myself. I would then continue the process until I fell asleep. Somewhere in this cycle I heard a knock on my door. It was Victoria. "You alright Mattie? I can hear you crying from my room.." I was shocked. No one had heard me before. I then realized that her room was much closer than the others. "Oh I'm fine. Just got a bit of a cold, that's all." She looked to me in disbelief. "Alright... stay safe Mattie," I heard these words as she walked back to her room. I continued my process quietly, until I fell asleep.

.

.

.

     Showers aren't as enjoyable when you have countless opens wounds covering your skin. And a pounding headache from blood loss didn't make it feel any. I was leaning my head on the shower wall. And apparently I was taking too long because I heard a knock on the door. "Dude, get the hell out of the shower!" Alfred was mad. "Just a second." I said quietly. I turned off the water and quickly jumped out of the shower, grabbing a towel. In the rush to dry myself off, I slipped on the ground and fell into the bathroom counter. I watched as the blood flowed out in large quantities. "Damnit..." I whispered out loud. The cut wan on my ankle, right over self harm cuts. I swiftly threw on clothes and fluffed my hair with a towel before running out the bathroom. Alfred stared at me as I passed "What are you in a hurry for?" He asked "I cut myself" I said as I walked into my room, which was right next to the bathroom. "Not on purpose though?" I froze for a second. "Of course not..." I felt like such a bad person for lying. "Good," Alfred walked into the bathroom. I looked into my bedside drawer, where there were normally bandages. Unfortunately, I had seemed to run out. In a rush to stop the blood, which was now completely covering my leg at this point, I threw on socks and walked downstairs. Papa was, as always, making breakfast, and Father was reading the newspaper. Victoria was no where to be found. This was good news to me. I ran past my parents and to the medicine cabinet in the bathroom. "Why are you in such a rush?" I heard a British accent calling to me from the other room. "I cut my leg on the bathroom counter." I wasn't falling into that trap again. "How deep is it?" This was Papa's worried voice. "Pretty deep," at this point it was covered with a bandage and I was calm. "Well don't get blood on anything." Father said in his usual sarcastic tone.

     Breakfast was an absolute hell. Victoria was still no where to be found, but Father and Papa had said that she went for a run. The headache that developed during my shower had become more painful. I held my head with my elbows on the table. Once again, Papa questioned me. After his generic question, I nodded, meaning I was okay. I then dropped my head to the table, trying not to have a full on panic attack or pass out. "You think he lost too much blood?" Papa asked worryingly to Father. "Maybe... You think you're good enough to go to school?" Once again, I nodded my head, to the best of my ability at least, as my head was still on the table. "Alright, but if you feel any worse, then ask to come home. Now where is that girl? She's going to be late to school." That second, she burst through the door and started running upstairs "Take a quick shower, or you're going to have to walk to school." After the jumping up the stairs, she yells "Got it,"

      Alfred suddenly perks up.

"Ludwig is came back yesterday, and I think his brother came with him."

"Is that so? I didn't even know he had a brother" Father said between bites.

"Yeah, he's a year older, but he's in our grade"

"Gotcha. I bet Feli is happy"

"That dude is going berserk."

"Well I would be too if my beloved Francis went to France again" Father stared into Papa's eyes

"Oh Arth-"

"Please, we're at the table."

     Alfred was clearly disgusted. After we finished breakfast, Victoria ran downstairs, dressed in a similar outfit as yesterday's. "Alright let's go" Father threw his keys in the air and caught them. "Je t'aime" Papa said to Father. "Love you too." The three children got in the car, Father following us. On the drive to school, I noticed a new person, with striking features and the palest skin I've ever seen. He looked quite confident, just by the way he walked. "Alright, get out of my car." Father said tapping the wheel. We all climbed out of the car. I had a feeling that I would be talking to the new kid soon enough.

.

    


	2. Chapter 2

I step out of the car hazily, after Alfred and Victoria. Immediately, our friend Feli ran up to us, dragging alone his annoyed boyfriend Ludwig. Feli has been friends with me and Alfred since elementary. We connected because our hair has this little curl in it, that never goes away. This was back when I talked more. Back before...

"Mattie!" I snapped back to reality to see a hand being waved in my face. Feli was staring back and smiling at me.

"Dude you've been acting weird all day, what's the deal with you?" I just shook my head and looked back to our friend group.

We started walking into the school. I stared at the ground to stay upright, and listened to the conversation.

"Guess who's back!" The eccentric Italian was overflowing with joy as he held up Ludwig's hand.

"Welcome back dude, how was Germany, and didn't you say your brother was moving here?"

My brother had a tendency to talk too much.

"Germany was fine, and that dumbass should be here somewhere?"

Feli must have noticed Victoria, as I heard, "Who's that?"

"Our cousin, Victoria. But I think she's here to replace Mattie" I looked up at this.

"Oh please, you're the problem child." I glared at my brother.

Victoria sighed, and shook Feli's hand, she was weirdly polite.

"Nice to meet you," she had a genuine smile.

Feli giggled "You're a very pretty girl," Ludwig slapped his hand.

Feli got defensive. "It was just a joke I'm sorry please don't hurt me!" He cried like a child and we all laughed.

After arriving at our lockers, which were conveniently next to each other, the boy I noticed earlier walked up to us. Just staring at him, my heart started fluttering, and I felt embarrassed. More than usual. He had blinding white hair and deep red eyes that would've scared me if I didn't find him so... appealing, I guess is the word. His skin was the color of snow, but his appearance seemed comforting and warm. Looking at him smile towards our group made me happy and my heart want to jump out of my chest, and I have no clue why. I've never met the man, yet I felt like I've known him for ages.

"There's that pitiful excuse for a brother. This is Gilbert."

I couldn't see, but I'm pretty sure Ludwig rolled his eyes.

"You mean an awesome excuse!" His voice sounded like the way he looked.

I hid behind my locker door. His name was Gilbert. I now had a name for this man who made me want to hide my face. Everyone was talking, and I was trying not to look at him. Why did he make me feel this way...? Could I be..? I didn't want to think about that. I didn't need to be reminded of what had happened a year back. The bell awoke me from my trance. I closed my door, to see the boy standing there. I had completely forgot about him. "Woah there's two of you!" The boy was talking to _me._

"Yeah dude that's my brother Mattie, now lets get to class before we get our asses kicked."

We all went our separate ways, but Gilbert followed me. This beautiful man was following me to class. He would be in my class. My heart fluttered and I couldn't figure out why. Or at least I didn't want to accept the "why". He started talking to me, which made me happier than ever. He introduced himself and went on and on about himself. He seemed very cocky but I could look over that. Matter of fact, he sorta reminded me of my brother, except more nice than douchy. Right before we entered class he said to me "You're cute Mattie." and my heart stopped. No one besides my parents had told me that before. We walked in together and sat next to each other. The entire class he was making jokes and laughing, which made the teacher mad at him, but happy for me because I'm pretty sure the teacher is very concerned for me. The teacher let Gilbert talk to me and I smiled the entire time. Finally someone could bring me out of my  shell. I was way too happy talking to him, but my head avoided the obvious.

    I couldn't stop thinking about what he said the next four classes. After the fourth I walked to he cafeteria to see Gilbert sitting with the rest of my friends. As soon as I sat down Alfred started going on and on about this party tomorrow. He clearly wanted everyone to go with him. People like Feli, Lovino, Antonio, and Gilbert had alreafy agreed. Feli and Gilbert had convinced Ludwig to go and Alfred persuaded Kiku to go. All that was left was me and Victoria, who had said "I'll do whatever Mattie wants to do," so it was up to me. I didn't want to make my brother mad so I said yes. All I was thinking was 'No no no no no' but I still said yes. Victoria looked at me weird like she was expecting me to say no, but she didn't say a word. I felt I had made a mistake, as at a party two years ago.. something happened.

     That was what was on my mind for the rest of the day. My performance in hockey dropped severely, and my coach yelled at me. Everyone was talking about it, so I couldn't avoid it. It was a living nightmare two years ago, and I was afraid it'd be the same this year. I couldn't take it anymore so before class ended I bolted out the door, ice skates and all. I could hear the coach yelling for me, but I didn't go back. I quickly changed and had a panic attack in the boys locker room. I didn't want to be locked in a room this year. I didn't wanted to be forced this year. I didn't want someone to manipulate me this year. I stayed in there a good thirty minutes before I left and walked home. I didn't need a ride from Father today. I didn't want to accidentally tell someone.

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  Once home I went into my room and cried thinking about tomorrow. I only left to eat dinner. Right after that I fell asleep. I didn't want to think, I didn't want to breathe, and I didn't want to be in this position anymore. but the next morning came soon. The day I would have to face my fear. The day I would have to risk telling someone why I hate parties. I slowly got out of bed, and got dressed. I accidentally put a short sleeved shirt on. Looking at my arms I whispered "you did this to me." At the same time I heard a cry from Victoria's room. It was soft though, so I didn't bother to look. Although, I had a feeling that I should've

**Author's Note:**

> Ayyyye thanks for reading my first post on here. I had this idea in mind for a while and I finally got to write it out. I'm really excited to write the rest of this and come up of any more fan-fiction.


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